Neko

despite having a tumblr (a microblogging website), i've never actually... you know, blogged. The thing it was intended for- sure, i barf the weirdest thoughts possible (like Portia from Barbie's Princess Charm School not being ditzy, but just high as a kite; the most accurate depiction of a highschool student ever in my humble onion), but i wouldn't count that as blogging so much.

...so here goes! hey, i'm Myka, and my birthday was just a few days ago; and I hit the big ~ EIGHTEEN ~, and not to get too dark or anything, but when i was younger, i never thought i'd make it this far.

I had deep depression since I was about 9/10, my body was shutting down for various reasons, either psychologicaly, physiologicaly, physicaly, or a mix of the previously mentioned ones. It got pretty bad when i was 12/13, but don't worry, I won't get into it.

long story short, by the time I was 15 nearing 16, I soon began to realize that I... evidentally did make it past when I intended to self-eject from this mortal coil, and would continue to make it far, far past that age.

the anxiety set in- other kids my age were planning on their future, looking for their first jobs (or already had one), looking into colleges, researching grants, scholarships, so on and so forth. Meanwhile, all I had was a handful of possibile occupations, most of which were not stable; an artist, a freelance writer, hell, when I was younger all i wanted to be was a steak n shake waiter!

so safe to say, i felt a little behind. I've since dealt with that, have a vague idea for my college plans; but still, it feels like my Senior year has come up way too soon. I wouldn't say the saying "time flies when you're having fun!" applies- more like I was numb for most of it. I blinked, and suddenly my hair's gone from a fried, red-dyed pixie cut to a healthy, pink mid-length cut. It's odd to me.

People always seem to place such a level of importance on your 18th birthday, but in all honesty, nothing feels different really. It's not like someone flipped a lever and- whoop! suddenly i'm donating all my toys and my room is now mature and minimiliast (shudders),

hah! yeah, no. I'm still me, but now i'm a me that's better. I healed- when I'd turned 13, I was mortified. I wanted to stay young forever, to always be a kid. I wanted to be like peter pan, because I couldn't stomach the thought of aging, of becoming like the adults who neglected and humilated me. As a kid, i associated adults with bad. With cruel teachers who waved around their "authority figure" card whenever I so much as asked a simple question.

to get to the real meat of this, i do not feel different... at all. Not in the way others make it out to seem; i'm no more "mature" than the day before my birthday, i still like toys, i still watch Raggedy Ann & Andy A Musical Adventure every night to get to sleep, i still sleep in a nest of stuffies and blankets and pillows;

don't get me wrong! being 18 feels different, but more subtly. I was getting more and more anxious leading up to my 18th birthday, having more freuquent meltdowns, breakdowns, and panic attacks alike; even a few PTSD attacks for good measure! but on my birthday, i realized that was a bit silly.

maybe it my younger self, giving her last hurrah! to try and beat me into submission, screaming no! no, don't you dare! we won't suposed to make it to highschool! traitor! traitor!!, but probably not.

whatever the reason may be, it stays the same that i am the same. I just feel a little more accomplished, because I fought my own problems, my past, myself to make it past this lifestage. I'm no longer a child, and as much as that hurts to admit- i still don't want to 'be an adult', it's still a little comforting, if a little bittersweet.

haha! wow! that was a lot of rambling!! i doubt anyone has read this, but if you have, thank yoooou!!! and i'm sorry it was so rambly and didn't really make a point- and all the typos that were sure to slip by me, despite having a high grade in all my english classes, my dyslexia still gets the best of me quite often.

buh bye!! be nice and don't be a pain in the butt! (as my favorite teacher always says